The Kissing Swan

The Kissing Swan
Rating: ★★☆☆☆ (2/5)

Two long months have passed since first I received this particular item, graciously donated by the Swan company in anticipation of review. Additionally, I shall be including affiliate links within this post.Truth by known, aside from technical issues there was another reason for the inordinate delay, and you may observe it plainly above; that is, in spite of a splendid aesthetic and packaging, as well as what constitutes to me an exorbitant cost, I found it sorely lacking. To discover precisely why, read on.

First Impression / The Swan Revealed / Maintenance / In Closing


When first the item arrived, I was struck with the lustre of the packaging. Sleek in design, with a simple depiction of the pink item within, wisely contrasted with a white box and black typeface. The very model of elegant understatement. The box itself is of hard cardboard fitted with a magnetic strip. Thus, nothing need be torn or dismantled to liberate the item, and it may be returned intact. It is plain, therefore, that aesthetics, whilst not necessarily be the foremost concern they are high on the agenda. This is unquestionably a luxury item.

Packaging of The Kissing Swan vibrator


Within, the box holds several affixments befitting plug sockets of various types; though the variant electrisms of one nation and another remain obscure to me, I am assured that amongst others the consumer is well catered for whether American, British or European. The plug head itself bears the mark of the product, ensuring that those with a variety of comparable appliances are defended against losing track of which belongs to this one. Additionally there is contained within a lovely black silk bag, most commonly employed by soothsayers to protect their cards of divination from evil spirits. Admittedly, it did give me pause that the makers saw fit to include such a defence; however, one can never be too careful where hysteria is concerned.

Various plug heads and enchanted bag

The toy itself is beautifully designed. Though at first glance it would be difficult to make any especial pronouncement upon the utility of the piece. However, I can imagine that those with the inclination to do so could most certainly keep this as a display item. It is not so phallic as some of its more common peers; though to be certain its role resides partially in penetration of the chamber of Venus, it feels less the impostor and more the innovator. Especially once the vanguard tip has been activated and the motion begins, it shirks resemblance to all but the most unique examples of the male appendage and for that I applaud it.

The most unique feature of the design is the eponymous kissing swan; a separate protuberance beginning roughly one quarter up. Its stout body gives way to a short, slender neck and finally a pair of kissing lips intended to flutter upon the clitoris in order to provide stimulation. Though we shall discuss the function below, under this heading I shall merely say that all things considered it closer resembles a penguin or a chicken drumstick to me, though I will understand should their marketing department refrain from considering the Roasted Poultry Electronical Jostle-ator as a re-brand.


In discussing the insertion and activating the device, it must be disclosed that for reasons of her own, my patient struggles with penetrative objects, much less achieving relief with them. With that in mind, it was with caution and careful patience that the tool was summarily inserted. Unlike myself she unforunately found the design to be repellent or even fearsome in countenance, in large part owing to the insistent rotational capacity of the head. Nevertheless, eased into place it was eventually possible to activate within, and horrified though she had initially been upon seeing it activated externally, once empowered to act she felt…


Now, this may merely be a peculiarity of the poor girl in my treatment, however I can but comment upon my experience of its use, and with that in mind, the reaction was disappointing to say the least. She failed to report any stimulation of the G-spot, nor could she isolate any especially pleasurable sensations and consequently vexation was added to trepidation on both our parts.

Now then, this is of course considered apart from the predominant selling point of the item, and it would be remiss to speak further without appropriate reflection thereupon it. The arm of the device, we saw fit to employ in two manners.

In the first instance owing to her reservations we attempted to fit the lips snugly to their intended spot without insertion, myself holding the limb to the appropriate angle. Initially, this approach appeared to hold promise. However, ultimately the draw is that the lips of the swan be allowed to bob freely and so to provide a unique sense of stimulation. Given that it became necessity to hold it in place, instead the result was a fairly mundane vibration that failed to produce the result of hysterical relief.

The mutant truncheon

Thus, we attempted to apply the device to its fullest: vaginal penetration coupled with the intended clitoral flutter. As discussed above this was no shallow undertaking but with liberal application of water-based lubricant (for lubricant of another type is strongly liable to damage the high-quality fabric of the organ) it was accomplished. A deep insertion, the power to maximum on both affixments in play, the effect was sadly little better. Once more it did appear at one stage that the flutter of the lips might provide relief, but ultimately this too was fruitless; instead the flesh merely became numb, the enthusiastic buzzing and whirring of the device as forlorn as it was distracting at the outset.

Speaking of which, a word on the settings: for those for whom a keener sense of stimulation is indeed achievable, both elements, controlled by two discreetly raised depressible boils, to in fact have a variety of speeds available, increased by pressing each one for longer. In terms of power I can find no fault with either limb. Moreover, the flexibility of the arm is such that a fairly broad spectrum of women ought to be able to see that the lips reach the clitoris whilst the bulky shaft remain inserted. That said, unfortunately in my patient’s case the necessary over-extension led to a most jarring, jabbing sensation.

All the above considered, my patient, who had been demure regarding the Swan at the outset, was most disinclined to repeat the experience. Thus, collating subsequent data was a terribly gradual experience. However, no improvement over the initial procedure was accomplished.

As a final hurrah, I decided that in the interests of science the only responsible thing to do would be to consent to receive the device myself. Firstly I attempted applying the lips to the frenulum. This was reasonably effective, though no more so than, for example, a vibrating bullet or some such. Thus, I worked on accepting the shaft bodily and again, with copious preparation and lubrication achieved such. It is clear that this particular device is built with the female form in mind and thus is less suited to the male physiology. That said, the enterprising gentleman may, should he be driven to do so, apply it in a comparable fashion.

So positioned I attempted to allow the lips access to the perineum, which has minimal effect. Finally, with a careful collaboration of hips, muscular tension and activation of the tendril’s tip, I did accomplish manipulation of the prostate which, complemented by manual stimulation of the penis, did result in a powerful orgasm as well as a milking effect that was likely exclusively owing to the device. However, though I have demonstrated that it did indeed achieve orgasm for someone, given that its design was expressly intended otherwise, I feel loath to increase the score on that account. Moreover, innovations specifically with that function in mind do exist and as such it would be unfair to credit the Swan for the capacity to do something aside from its proposed intent.


To its credit, the Kissing Swan is most certainly wrought of silicone of the highest quality. However, that is in fact somewhat problematic when it comes to hygiene. As owners of other silicone toys will doubtless be aware, the substance attracts dust, hair and animal fur like no other. It’s peculiar since it is not in itself adhesive, and yet detritus clings to it unbidden with remarkable consistency. That said, it is a simple enough matter to cleanse it of such with a wet wipe. I would advise against using a tissue since that, too, is likely remain partly affixed.

The device is fully safe to wash, and so far as I have observed does not noticeably retain the more uncouth odours that the body is wont to produce. Indeed, should the owner be so inclined, it may be brought into the shower and used there without fear of danger or malfunction. The charge point, located at the bottom of the grip, is defended by silicone in such a way that as well as remaining discreet it is protected from any wayward running water as well as other fluids; an excellent design choice.


In all I was disappointed to have found the Swan to be so lacking. Though it has several aspects of design and packaging that warrant praise, ultimately in use it simply failed to achieve and ultimately, it is upon this and practically this alone, it must be judged and found wanting. Case in point; I own a rather smashing top hat. It is easily cleaned, the design is dandy, and perhaps it cost more than others would be willing to pay. If nothing else, it is eye-catching and would look splendid upon a mantelpiece. Unfortunately, based on these merits it is an equally competent tool of female sexual arousal as said chapeau. The fact that they’ve shared equal success in achieving this is actually very disheartening; time for a snifter of brandy.

Should you wish to purchase this whirring tendril for yourself you can do so at Honour, Simply Pleasure and other online retailers.

  • Incendiaire

    Another chronicle of your work most fine, Dr. Entwhistle; I do so thoroughly enjoy the perusal of it. What great shame that the application of the device upon the Earthly vessel of your fairer-gendered subject was negligible in its efficacy.

  • Dr. Polonius Entwhistle

    Most kind. Incidentally, I was interested to read your own findings on the Swan; enlightening to observe how diverse perspectives on a similar product can be. As to my patient, it is unfortunate that results were less than satisfactory. However, Strawberry Blushes is entering another trsting phase and there may be something more appropriate. There again, I’m considering a foray into prostate massagers…

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